I am a thinker…overthinker. As the new song lyric states: at times “I think I thought myself to death.” Spending that much time within the confines of your own cerebral labyrinth requires periods of recovery…time to shut the world off and just snuggle with my demons.
I remember often as a child the times when I would go off and seek the solace of solitude. I could escape into the pages of a book…or would go on a hike through the forest above our family cabin. I wasn’t mad…I wasn’t sad. Herein lies the paradox…I didn’t need to be left alone…I just needed to be…
I remember the countless hours I spent playing alone…amazed now at the capacity of my imagination…the attention to scripting the setting and plot of my play. I knew even then I was a writer…seeing the adjectives in every detail…alive with sensory information…in tune with everything around me. Where some kids only saw the surface, I saw the interconnectedness…the synergy and complexity of nature…the hidden layers of stories waiting just beyond reach.
Every day, everyone is vying for a piece of your time, energy, interest, affection, attention, etc…as kids rarely ever saw it. As adults, some still fail to see it. As I have grown, I have come to terms with the fact that while often inspiring and beautiful…the skill to see behind the curtain or under the mask…is exhausting and often draining…particularly involving human relationships.
I realize as I come back to this blog, that it is closely resembles my inner psyche. Though the timeline is a little more drastic. If you know me well…you know that I fade in and out of contact with the world…even those closest to me. It is a quality that is rarely understood and most often taken as offense. Few truly understand that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Thank each and every one of you for the role you have played in my story…past, present, or future…no part too little.
For those of you I have offended. I ask for understanding.
For those of you I have hurt. I ask for forgiveness.
For those of you I have neglected. I ask for grace.
For those of you I love. I ask for nothing…you have already given me everything.