Thursday, October 11, 2012

Aftershock...



It is well after midnight. It has been an exhausting day. And yet I can’t close my eyes.

Some of you have no doubt heard of the recent suicide of a local teen. Some of you have ties to the family, school or community that is suffering an unimaginable loss, even if you may not realize it. Monday evening staff members from a local school received a phone call from their admin team that no one should have to receive regarding the tragic death of one of their eighth graders. My heart, prayers and thoughts go out to them as they navigate this loss within their building and community.

I felt led to share the personal impact that this event has had on me as a father and as an educator and how I have already seen it affect my community..my family. If you know me and work with me, you likely have already seen some of the impact, but may not have even realized it. This message is nothing more than my heart grieving alongside the friends, family and school community as they live through this tragedy. God grant them peace to rest in your comfort, understanding to accept the unknowable, and strength to take face tomorrow…

------------

“Why?” It’s always the first question that crosses our minds when we hear of suicide. The next thought is: “I can’t imagine what his parents are going through.” And as reluctant as we are to admit it, that is followed by: “Thank God it didn’t happen here.” Except that this time it did…not here exactly, but close enough to catch the aftershock.

It isn’t really important when I found out, or even how. I’m embarrassed to admit that it didn’t really sink in until tonight, once I could get through the busyness of my mind and my responsibilities at work and at home. Now that I look back, I’m embarrassed even more that it didn’t sink in earlier, since my work and my family have been indirectly affected.

I don’t know any of the details…I don’t want to know any of the details. What I know…is that a thirteen year old boy is dead. His family is in shock. His friends are devastated. His teachers are speechless. All of them are blaming themselves. Wondering if they missed something…wondering where they failed. “I should have…” or “if I knew, I could have…” or “I wish I would have…”

While I talked with kids and teachers and parents at conferences, I realized that what we have is so precious. Not just life…but the interconnectedness of the human experience…the fragility of the human psyche…and the delicate balance of the human spirit. I think about my friends that worked directly with this kid. I think about the funeral I attended last year of a former student of mine that suffered a similar fate. I think about his family. I think about my friends and students and families that have narrowly escaped living this nightmare. I think about my students…I think about my own kids. I think about the impact I have on them. “Would I have noticed…?”

Let me tell you about my morning: This morning as I pulled into the parking lot at school a local radio station DJ interrupted his own broadcast to address the issue of this suicide. He expressed his sympathy. He encouraged other teens to seek help. He gave hope and inspiration to change. On any other day, I would not have heard this portion of this broadcast. However, today my 13-year old son was slow getting ready this morning and I wait for him before I left the house. I was frustrated and annoyed at him. Typically he hits the ground running before I can even park the car, but today he stayed to hear the end of the DJs statement. By the time I left the car, I was no longer frustrated and annoyed. I was grateful for him and all of his eccentricities.

By the end of the day…I forgot it all. He and I got in an argument. He yelled like he typically does, then he got quiet when he is “done” talking, but then…he broke. He was trying so hard to hold in the tears. When I told him there was no shame in crying…he melted. In case you can’t tell…this is WAY out of the ordinary.

He broke from the pressure…the stress and anxiety of trying to catch up on work he has missed from absences at school, not being able to finish his football season due to a concussion, social pressures and trying to fit it with his friends, and (what I should have noticed, but didn’t) the impact that this suicide had on him.

As I processed everything with him, he shared that some of his friends had known the kid. There was a big argument on Facebook about why the kid did it. There were accusations and speculation as to who was responsible. As I read between the lines, I saw the realization that, one of his biggest fears, death is much closer than he thought. I saw the vulnerability of him trying to make sense of it all.

As I put together the puzzle presented by the perception of the pubescent male brain, I found myself embarrassed yet again. That I should have known. I should have seen. That I should have been more understanding. That it could have been him…

Hence why I can’t sleep…

Why? We may never know…

What are his parents going through? The unimaginable…the worst possible, painful, piercing anguish possible and then some…

Can it happen here? Any time, any day, anyone…even here…